Understanding Aussie's

[aussiemegan8]

Australians are known for our dry, laconic wit. That’s why some people get us; others don’t. I completely understand that, especially as our humour is punctuated by lots of swearing sometimes (hence my post title). For example, when we say something like, “He’s a funny *******” some might get offended, but more often then not we mean it affectionately.
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have an excellent sense of humour and allow we “Aussies” to have a giggle .

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns,Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. ….. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? ( UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You’re a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the rains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? ( France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

:waytogo: :dance: :happy: :jump: :waytogo:

[.Kate.]

6.6 billion people in the world but god some of them are thick ****ers :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[aussiemegan8]

FOSTERS AD DURING THE OLYMPICS:

I don't have a kangaroo for a pet
I don't wrestle with crocodiles
And I don't wear a cork hat
I fight wars But never start wars I would rather make peace
I can wear my country's flag with pride
I am a rock I am the ocean I am the island continent
My brothers are the Smiths, the Wilson's, the Santerellis, the De Costis, The Wong's and the Jagamarras
I play football without a helmet
I like beetroot on my hamburger
I ride in the front seat of the taxi
I believe it's a prawn not a shrimp
I believe the world is round and down under is on top
I believe Australia is the best address on Earth
And Australians brew the best beer.

Now ..

THE REAL AUSSIE

I ate my pet Kangaroo
I am chit scared of crocodiles
And I wear a baseball cap
I love star wars And the wookie is my favorite
I would rather get p1ssed And watch someone else carry the country's flag with pride
I like to rock To Billy Ocean
I am blind to my incompetence
My brothers are the Smith's the Wilson's, the Wogs, the Lebs, the Chinks and the Abo's
I watch football with a tinnie
I take the beetroot off my hamburgers ...........and throw Macca's pickles on windows
I do runners from taxis
I believe the world is flat
and Australia is f#*~ing miles away from anywhere
I believe Australia has the best address on earth
And Australians brew the best beer on earth
And that's why we never touch Fosters....we export that chit.

[HenryMiller.]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[appers9]

Absolutely hysterical .. :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

Thanks for the giggles, Aussie :waytogo:

[BellaDonna60]

WHAT A HOOT! I LOVE YOUR HUMOR OR LACK THERE OF. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK. :dance: :roflmao: :hpmissspa

[--HONEY--]

And they pick on Newfies! :waytogo: :silly: ;) :roflmao: :roflmao: too funny.

[aussiemegan8]

There were scenes of jubilation across Australia today as Marsupials celebrated the recent election of Skippy the Bush Kangaroo to the position of Deputy PM.

Kangaroos have been one of the largest ethnic groups in Australia for many years yet they never achieved genuine political power. The Deputy Prime Minister is the highest office they have won so far and the victory is seen as finally ending years of political discrimination against the hind-legged hopping beast.

Although not a very powerful position, the Australian Deputy PM has several ceremonial duties. The most important of these is the assumption of power when the President has more than 8 beers, which is typically 3-4 times a week. That Skippy was known to be a non-drinker made him attractive for the role according to one insider because of "previous problems when both the President and Vice-President had too many tinnies mate".

An Actor turned Politican

There have been claims that Skippy was tapped because of his celebrity status along with Peter Garrett the former singer with the rock band Midnight Oil. However the kangaroo did come with some political experience having served two years as Mayor of Brisbane in the late 1990's a period that saw tremendous growth in the Southern Queensland City.

As a lover of the outdoors, Skippy was very much pro-environment and pushed the populist pro-Kyoto agenda. The vote however hinged on Iraq and Australian support of President Bush's War.

Initially Skippy had some perception problems because he shares the same last name as the American President. But he overcame this with several public appearances where he charmed the public with stories of his heroism as a life saving TV Star in the seventies and eighties.

John Howard the outgoing PM, whose career ends with this humiliating election defeat, praised Skippy as someone who "has been much loved" by all Australians. "If I have to go, its nice to be defeated by a superstar" he added unconvincingly

[aussiemegan8]

Hope you enjoy :waytogo:

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXio8U0c7ho&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NcXmZbUBhfQ&NR=1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIibD0qL6cU&feature=related

[shmooky]

I heard aussies are very friendly even to the meanies..
Is this true??

http://www.quotationspage.com/weblog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/funny-pictures-clownfish-anenome-enemy.jpg

[aussiemegan8]

I heard aussies are very friendly even to the meanies..
Is this true??

http://www.quotationspage.com/weblog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/funny-pictures-clownfish-anenome-enemy.jpg

I shall answer YOUR question with MY question.
Look at me, I'm a Aussie, am I friendly??

[shmooky]

I shall answer YOUR question with MY question.
Look at me, I'm a Aussie, am I friendly??

Is this some kind of trick?

[aussiemegan8]

Is this some kind of trick?

Maybe :what: :what:

[aussiemegan8]

Ok, this really made me :roflmao: :roflmao:

Part 1
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665847

Part 2
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/article.aspx?id=665808

[aussiemegan8]

This is the funniest stuff I have ever had the pleasure of reading. If you are feeling down, bored whatever you just have to check it out :waytogo: Hopefully all you NON Aussie's out there will also find it as funny as I have.
Aussie sarcasm at it's best :waytogo: :waytogo:

http://www.27bslash6.com/hatemail.html

[aussiemegan8]

Australian letter of the year

This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT Minster, The Hon Alexander
Downer and the then Immigration, The Hon Minister Amanda Vanstone. The
Government tried in desperation to censure the author, but got nowhere because
every legal person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!


A fabulous characteristic of Australians is that we are far more direct and
outspoken than others when dealing with the sort of elected wanker who wouldn't
otherwise get the full drift of what they were trying to communicate.


Dear Mr. Minister,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I
bought a Television Set and Golf Clubs from them back in 1997, and yet, the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the income
tax forms I've filed for the past 40 years. It is on my driver's licence, on
the last eight passports I've ever had, on all those stupid customs declaration
forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last
30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that I've filled out every 5
years since 1966.

Also..would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name
is Audrey, my Father's name is Jack, and I'd be absolutely ****ing astounded if
that ever changed between now and when I drop dead!!!...

SHIT!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you
an' me, I've had enough of all this ********! You send the application to my
house, then you ask me for my ****ing address!! What the hell is going on with
your mob? Have you got a gang of mindless Neanderthal arseholes workin' there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I can't
even grow a beard for God's sakes. I just want to go to New Zealand and see
my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi girl). And would
someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a
farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a
sheep or a horse, believe you me, I'd sure as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city, and
get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate, and to part with another $80
for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo... that'd be
too ****ing easy and makes far too much sense. You would much prefer to have
us running all over the place like chickens with our ****ing heads cut off, and
then having to find some high society wanker to confirm that it's really me in
the goddamn photo! You know the photo..the one where we're not allowed to
smile?! ...you ****ing morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in high-
society to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since
before 1850!
In 1856, one of my forefathers took up arms with Peter Lalor. (You do remember
the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army something over 30 years (I
went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security clearances.
I'm also a personal friend of the president of the RSL.. and Lt General Peter
Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year.

However, your rules require that I have to get someone 'important' to verify
who I am; You know.. someone like my doctor; WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
****ING PAKISTAN!!!......a country where they either assassinate or hang
their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth for not
having the 'right sort of government.'

You are all ****ing idiots

[kanadian3]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao:

[HP-Stephanie]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: